I’ve wanted to do this post for a while now. Now’s the time, but I hate that now it just seems like a response to someone, rather than me wanting to say something or share something I’ve learned.
The last thing I want is for this blog to turn into a quagmire of angst ridden posts, like my livejournal had become back in high school and after.
But alas, it is what it is. This will be the second to last time I am going to talk about non!friend. I have a post planned regarding my situation where I have to mention her (though briefly), so I can’t say this will be the last, last time.
But trust me tomorrow’s post will be on brighter subjects.
So let’s carry on.
I finally came to write this post because non!friend is still ranting in my comments. I’m not going to publish the latest bit, but if she comments to this one, I’ll let them in.
The reason I don’t approve them is because I don’t want to bring a fight to this blog. This is my place and I get to decide what goes down here. Well, that’s one reason. The second reason is that I don’t want her identified.
I haven’t used her name, but she has. I’m protecting her privacy….or at least trying to. Also she’s using names and bringing up personal stuff that shouldn’t be brought up in a public place (I haven’t used names or used specific details, so I’m hoping she’d give me the same courtesy).
Anyways, this isn’t about her. This is about the situation I had with her.
My point of view of that situation.
If you want to know hers, I’ll approve her comments where I’m sure she’ll gladly grace us with it.
But lets get started already.
Here’s the thing about it that I’ve learn; my personal conclusion and opinion. Now I will admit that I have only one or two good close friends (and tons of other wonderful friends that I love, but don’t see or talk to on a daily basis, I love you all!). So, it’s not like I’m an expert at having and keeping friends. But I do feel that I’ve had a few crappy friends and it’s my fault as much, if not more, than theirs.
It all comes down to choice.
There’s a difference between choosing your friends and letting them choose you. It’s a VITALLY important difference that can make a person miserable.
But, what IS the difference?
When I was young, I never really sought friends. I sort of just stood there, looking around and waited for someone to be my friend.
This is a very bad way of getting friends, I’ve learned. Cause then anyone will just step up and say, “Okay, you’re my bitch, I mean friend!”
All my life, I kept attracting the same best friend. I’ve attracted it at least three times in my life. A young Caucasian girl the same age as me, slightly overweight (I have no idea why), and for at least two of those times (well for the first one, we were in elementary so I guess that’s understandable) they were charismatic, popular and promiscuous.
To this day, I don’t why I kept attracting this type. Thinking about it, I wonder if I was just attracting my exact opposite, which is what I thought I needed to be. Maybe I hated myself so much back then I became friends with the opposite because I wanted to be like them.
But when I attract, I really mean attract like an invisible magnet. I didn’t do anything. They just sort of zoomed in on me and poor, friend-starved Amber, didn’t really think twice of saying, “OKAY! I’ll totally be your friend, I mean bitch.”
(Let me take a brief fraction of a second and define what I mean by close friend. In this sense, I mean that friend you hang out with on a daily basis. The friend you do everything with. Not the friends you say Hi and occasionally go to the movies with in a group, or your friends from school or work. I mean the ones you do almost everything with, which in my case, was non!friend.)
See, the point to this is compatibility. I’ve learned that you can’t accept close friends just because you like the same T.V. shows or books or movies or even because they want to hang out with you. This is kind of obvious once you get older, but I was young and stupid, even stupider because I didn’t get it till like a month ago.
When it comes to true friends, it’s not these superficial things you have in common with. It’s the deeper things you have in common. Same morality, same outlook on certain things, same open or closed mind.
One of my most cherished close friends, who I love to death, is not really like me…and yet at the same time, she is. She always does her best not to offend others and makes them feel welcome in her home. She never judges, NEVER. No matter what. I could rant and rant about things she has absolutely no interest in, and she’d not only listen, she’d even nod and smile and make maybe a tiny comment (trust me, this is a big thing, non!friend would just change the subject and ignore that I even spoke).
It’s something I would do.
And yet, we don’t like the same music, same type of shows or movies, she doesn’t read fantasy, and she already graduated college EARLY with a BUSINESS degree, which you can say is an art degree’s polar opposite.
Meanwhile, non!friend and I had some things in common. We like certain t.v. shows, books, sometimes we’ll agree with music, movies, etc. She even wanted to be an actress once, which I wouldn’t mind dabbling in now.
But like I said earlier, she was promiscuous. Boys were largely on her mind. Now, this is not a bad thing. But it’s the completely opposite of me. Due to stuff in my past, I don’t make any real attempts to get boys and whenever I do try, it always ends up horribly for me. I’m just not good at it and it’s fine, cause like I said in an earlier post, I’m completely through with purely sexual relationships.
We also share different viewpoints of the world. She’s an “eye for an eye” type of girl. I’m more of a “don’t look for trouble” sort of person. If someone did something mean to me, I’d just try to eliminate that element from my life instead of try to get even. I guess I’m the sort that turns the other cheek…then runs the hell out of there after getting smacked again.
So, while we like the same material things, when it comes to who WE ARE, we’re opposites.
And I realized…I never really CHOSE non!friend for a friend. She was simple the only one who called me and asked to hang out. And I suppose since I was alone I should be grateful for her for that and I am…to an extent.
The problem is…well there are a lot of problems.
One of which, her world is not my world and I don’t want her world to be my world anyways. So whenever we hang out, I’m usually in a situation I don’t like or wouldn’t want to be in. She drinks and smokes, and all sorts of things that I have little interest for. Like I said, it’s not a bad thing that she likes to do these things. It’s bad that I don’t want to do these things but in order to be a good friend I surround myself with these things.
Worse, the saying about how “you are who your friends are” is true. I was beginning to act more like her and it was making me miserable.
This is not healthy. More than not, I felt more alone when I was with her than when I am alone….and this pretty much is the reason why I broke off our friendship.
I was just tired of my friend making me feel like crap.
It’s hard to not let things affect me. And I can dedicate my life to not let the things she says and does bother me, but it’s much easier to just move on.
But lets back track. This is getting too personal. The point of this is the lesson I learned from all this.
It’s rather quite simple.
Real friends make you feel good and you make them feel good. Non!friends make you feel like shit. And usually it’s because real!friends affirm who YOU are, while non!friends USE YOU to affirm who THEY are.
That is the conclusion I’ve come to.
My cherished friends, I WANT to be like them. I admire them. I love them, even if I don’t know how to show it sometimes.
I don’t admire non!friend. I don’t envy her. Maybe once I did. But not anymore. I don’t want anything to do with her.
That is the honest truth (and you guys already know how honest I am).
So for the love of all that is pure and wonderful, choose your friends wisely. Don’t think you don’t have that choice. You do.
Don’t ever let them decide for you that you’re their friend and thus make you feel obligated to be their bitch.
And that is all.
So, anyone else have advice or stories about friendship, good or bad?
(On a much lighter mood: SUPERNATURAL TONIGHT! YES!)