For the record, my reasons for leaving were very real.
I did have financial strains and I did have a crippling sense of insecurity and inadequacy.
Thanks to amazing people I am falling in love with every day that goes by, my financial situation isn’t so terrible anymore and I can use what I do make to keep this site up.
And my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity?
You have to thank a former friend of mine that this post is here. Thank her if you’re glad to see me back.
I mean, I still think I don’t know anything and that I have no real right to share any real advice to anybody, but perhaps my mistakes, situations, thoughts and ideas can be help to someone. I don’t know.
But I will keep blogging….for myself. Because I can’t allow myself to even think for even a fraction of a second that “she” is right.
I’m going to do a longer post about my former friend because I think it taught me a very valuable lesson about friendship that others can benefit from, but for now I’ll keep it to reason why I’m back and why she had a role in it.
My non!friend as she will be referred to in this blog actually found the link to my last post and actually commented on it.
I haven’t spoken to her in ages. Haven’t exactly thought about her either. And now here she is, making comments on a blog she has nothing to do with.
You won’t find the comment. I deleted it. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction that her words or opinions had any effect on me. Of course now, if she keeps reading this blog, she will see this and know it did.
The comment went along the lines of “Told ya so!” During our last fight she made all these predictions that I will fail in all my goals and dreams (now you can see how she’s non!friend instead of real!friend).
Of course, it was crap. My taking a break from blogging had absolutely NOTHING to do with achieving my goals and dreams. Nothing at all. In fact, it was a step towards making my goals and dreams into a reality. She was taking what she perceived as me failing or having a rough time and was trying to take advantage of it. She thought she was watching me fall down and wanted to kick me.
She was trying to hurt me.
I won’t lie. And now she’ll have the pleasure to know as well once she reads this, but yes, her words had an effect on me.
(I will say, however, that I am pretty sure that my own words to her have sunk in a little bit. If not, I doubt she’d bother to find my blog and comment, so there’s some satisfaction there).
One of my biggest fears is that she is right.
There. I said it.
And hopefully by admitting this out in the open, I give this fear a whole lot less power.
Of course, it’s all psychological. If I fear or worry about it enough, I myself will make it come true.
And no matter how much I was trying to ignore her comment, I couldn’t. What if I am failing? What if she is being proven right?
Well, I couldn’t have that. Those thoughts needed to end and end NOW.
So, I’m back.
And I have lots and lots to say.
Sorry for the hiatus and deception (I fooled myself too!). If you still want to listen to what a newbie, college-bound writer and artist has to say, I won’t disappoint again.
And thank you.
Your comments mean the world to me. ^_^