Yesterday, I spent the entire day with friends from my part time job who decided to come over and completely clean and give my house a makeover. My house looks better than it’s ever had. I even have curtains now. CURTAINS!
I didn’t ask for them to be so damn generous and I wish I could do something to repay their kindness, and yet I have no idea other than offer myself anything for whatever purpose they may require.
I’m still a social newbie, a loner.
I can safely say I am by myself about 85% of the time, where the 15% is just when I’m at work or out shopping.
Strange thing is I am not lonely. I don’t really crave companionship as much as I used to. I suppose I’ve been by myself for so long that I now prefer it than being socially awkward where I’m constantly in doubt of what I should say or do.
But there’s also another reason I prefer solitude. If I’m with others for long enough, I start talking about certain things that are nearly impossible for me to talk about with clarity. When people ask me for advice or I am witness to a particular person’s dilemma, I’m torn.
I can’t say what I really want to say because I’ll be considered cold or just plain weird.
And that’s just it. I’m weird. I’m different.
In the world that I’ve created for myself, I’m very comfortable and safe.
Everything makes sense.
But outside, nothing makes sense. People say one thing, they mean another. They create drama for themselves and complain about it. They don’t know what you know, but don’t you even think about trying to enlighten them. Better to just be quiet and keep to yourself.
I’m very comfortable with being alone.
A lot of people would think this is as a sad thing. But I think it’s one of my biggest accomplishments.
When I see someone who is constantly out with others and seeks to be surrounded by others on a constant, neverending basis, I actually see it as that person’s weakness—something that will hurt them in the long run.
Because, true, I will have to be around others and know how to talk and interact with them in order to do certain things I wish to do. Knowing how to do this this is very important.
But people come and go. They are not always going to be there. The only thing that is definitely certain is that your “self” will always be there. So, if a person is not comfortable being alone, then when circumstances appear when they are alone (and this will always happen) they will suffer.
Now, while I am not lonely and I am comfortable being alone…there is something I long for.
I’m absolute sick and tired of shallow relationships. People you simply “hang out” with but share nothing other than perhaps gender or a few other similarities. Even worse, I am absolutely done with sexual relationships. It’s just not worth it.
Now. What I long for is…intimacy. True companionship.
I would love to connect with someone. To be comfortable around another in the same way I am comfortable with myself, to love and cherish another as I do my own happiness.
To the extreme, I’d like it to be something similar to the spiritual, the relationship one has with God or Jesus. To the less extreme, something like a twin sister or brother, who understands you and you understand them—total acceptance and love for each other.
I do have something close, a cherished friend I will always be grateful to for showing me the meaning of real friendship, but I still want something deeper.
I have absolutely no idea how to even go about searching for this. Unfortunately, the only people I’ve known and learned from were either social hermits themselves (my mother) or sought connection through alcohol and sex (my “friends”).
I know what I want exists. It has to. Also, this sort of thing is expressed most beautifully in stories, whether true or fiction, novels or film.
In the end, I’ve decided to just continue to strive to live the way that feels right for me. Live the life my soul has come here to live, whatever that may be.
I’ll simply follow The Holstee Manisfesto, pictured above, where at one point it states:
“If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.”