When I first made this blog, I was determined not to make any post too personal. I didn’t want to rant and I didn’t want to talk about my personal life. I wanted to stay focused and stay on topic…which was supposed to be writing if I’m correct.
Well, I also planned to update three times a week, so what’s one more broken promise?
I’m going to tell whoever will read this where I have been and what I have been doing.
I haven’t posted since March. And that post was a weak attempt of a comeback. But here I am again, but what does that really mean? Will I keep posting? Or will this be my last post for a few more months or even years?
To get an idea of what I’ve been going through, ask yourself: Have you ever committed yourself to something? Anything, like a goal? A resolution? Or even a marriage, I don’t know. Something that will change your life forever?
Well, most likely you have. Everyone has at one point in their lives. Did you succeed? Did you fail? How did you take that success or failure? If you failed, did you try again?
In March 2006, my life descended into a very dark place. I was 20. In the darkness, I reached for a light. That light, that sense of hope that pulled me out of the abyss of depression were my dreams.
Thanks to “The Secret” I believed I could achieve anything as long as I went at it with all my heart. I studied it until I pretty much gasped the idea of the “Law of Attraction.” I understood it.
Ever since the day, I’ve been living for my goals.
I must emphasize this. I LIVE for my goals.
Now, I have pretty lofty goals. I pretty much wanted to completely rewrite my personality. So of course, it wasn’t going to be easy. I understood that.
But I made progress. A lot of progress. But I fell a lot too. Procrastination, depression, anxiety, obsession, addiction, etc. Whatever the reason, I fell.
I know you’re supposed to get back up when you fall, but I think recently I fell one too many times.
The fall had been too serious. My anxiety was running and ruining my life. Despite everything I’ve learned, I didn’t know how to overcome it. So I let it get the best of me. I ran away from my problems that terrified me. I fell. Hard.
I failed all my classes. I left school. I’m no longer studying and I have no income. I have no job. I’m tired of living on this island. And I’m afraid for my health — well, to be more specific, a certain lump in a certain place in my body has me in a state of absolute paralyzing terror.
Worst of all, I haven’t written anything new for months.
I made several attempts to shake it off and get back up, remain positive and keep moving, but it’s more like a little wobble. I take a few steps and stumble face down into the dirt again.
I’ve been doing this sort of shuffle of getting up and falling down and getting up and falling down since the beginning of this year and it came to the point where I couldn’t get myself up anymore. I mean, what was the point? I was gonna fall down again anyways. Might as well just stay there.
Thus, my goals started to slip out of grasp. I started to despair. I was not only falling, I was now sinking.
Like I said before, I live for my goals.
Without them, I am nothing.
Thus for the last couple of months, I have been like a ghost. I’m 24, but I may as well been 80, waiting for death to claim me.
My life has lost its meaning. So, how come I’m here?
The most peculiar thing woke me up. I started to obsess over a show I discovered. This is nothing new.
When I get into these depressions, I often obsess and become addicted to a certain form of entertainment (a novel, a t.v. show, a video game, a comic, etc) and do absolutely nothing NOTHING — not even eat or sleep — but read, watch and listen to any little bit of media or information regarding the “flavor of the week” (Final Fantasy 12, Fullmetal Alchemist, Skip Beat, Eyeshield 21, D-Gray Man, Night Angel Trilogy, Bartimaeus Trilogy to name a few of my binges over the years).
This time, it was from a peculiar source. An Adult Swim show called Metalocalypse. I started to watch it since I stopped going to bed at normal hours and caught it at 1am.
It was different from anything I’ve ever watched, and I’ve always loved things that were different.
It’s about a black metal band (I don’t even listen to metal!) called Dethklok who are the most famous and popular band in the world. The show is full of stupid humor and mindless violence. But I LOVE the characters. I don’t know why. I love comedies that have a touch of seriousness and a subtle yet complex hidden plot.
But what REALLY surprised me was that I also LOVED the music.
So I went online and started watching every single episode, clip, interview, quote and whatever I could get my hands on — binging heavily on anything regarding this show.
Soon, an old demon woke inside me. The demon that demanded I learned how to play the electric guitar.
Let me explain. I have three demons/passions: music, drawing and writing.
When they wake up, they literally possess me. I can’t think of anything else. I want to spend riddiculous amounts of money on materials, books and classes, I want to do nothing else but write, or draw or practice music. Each one I’ve started and stopped, started and stopped.
I thought I put music — along with art — behind me when I decided I was going to concentrate on being a published author. But Metalocalypse has resurfaced this desire. Art has also been nagging at me. Every time I pass by an ad for music or art classes, I take notice and have to force myself to look away.
But now after so long of feeling nothing, I’m passionate again. This one song — “Black Fire Upon Us” by Dethklok (the episode in Metalocalypse where it plays is also AWESOME) has captivated me utterly. It has nothing to do with the words. It’s the sound, it’s the feeling it gives me.
It resonates with my heart.
I need to do something. I can’t just die without a fight. I can’t let this fire that has been re-lit inside me die or go to waste. There’s gotta be some way for me to incorporate all three passions into my life in a balanced, simultaneous and consistent way.
There has to be a way to keep myself from losing my focus and purpose in living.
There’s gotta be a way to stop falling.
So once again, here I am. I still want to be a published author. That is still my main focus (mostly cause its the cheapest and easiest to practice). So everyday I will do something that says I am a writer.
This post was long and could have been longer. I swear it’s the most personal thing I will put up here.
Hopefully, I’ll keep this promise this time ~_^