A Heavy Mind

What did I write today? Nothing today or yesterday, but 767 words on Tuesday.

…Is not a creative one.

Lately I’ve been having some problems, mostly regarding money and my current lack of it, which have been weighing heavily on my mind. Despite all my attempts to put it out of my head when I try to write, I think it still lingers in the back and I cannot bring myself to even try to motivate myself.

I feel like my attention should be spent on more important things, or at the very least not on something as hard as writing (especially RE-writing). Doesn’t help that I gave myself extremely ambitious goals and I still (for some insane reason) intend to meet them despite how behind I am.

I guess I just don’t like to give in.

This is probably why I prefer writing in the very early hours of the day. It’s too early to worry about anything because it’s do early to do anything about them, but the problems have gotten to the point that even then its hard to focus. Even at night, it feels as if I am burdened with guilt of “why didn’t I do more?” or “what am I going to do tomorrow?” or “what will I do if ______ doesn’t happen?” etc. Even if I make a plan and put it out of my head, I still feel that lingering stress that doesn’t want to leave.

Maybe I’m just down because I missed so many days of writing. I think most writers just don’t feel right if they don’t get words down in the day. I know my day will be absolutely dreadful if I don’t do my Morning Pages.

I suppose the trick is to write when I can (in the morning!) and not be too hard on myself. Even a little productivity is better than none. If it isn’t even writing, that’s still good. I also had college responsibilities I also had to meet and so it isn’t really surprising that I couldn’t bring myself to write anything creatively yesterday.

In the end, these are all excuses.

An empty is a productive one.

If I just stop worrying so much about everything and just sit down and write, the words will flow.

I know this. It just feels a bit too hard to do at the moment and I felt like ranting a little.

Don’t we all at one point?

(Sorry for skipping a post. That time I actually had homework and ran out of time. Next time though I have an interesting post already planned. An idea inspired during my Morning Pages. ^^)

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